Interview With a Former Porn Star

by: Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

Texas Presley, as she's known to millions of degenerates around the world, created a minor sensation in the world of people having sex on film. She made a bunch of movies, got nominated for an award, then quit the industry, not even managing to make it into the "aged, desperate and crack-addicted" phase of her career. A tragedy for her fans, who will be forever denied the pleasure of seeing her appear in "Busty Grandma Shitstorm IX." Texas, whom I shall refer to as "Texas" throughout this interview because I forgot to ask her if I could use her real name, is an old pal of mine from her pre-porn days, so I figured I'd bother her for another interview since it means I don't have to do any REAL writing this week.

You may recall that I interviewed her once before, just as her cinematic star was rising. While that was a bit sillier, this time I will focus on hard-hitting internet journalism. Buckle yourself in for a wild orgy of hot, nude information!

On Retiring

Dave: So you're out of the porno thing now?

Texas: Yes, it lasted a long 6 months. I got nominated for an award and cut the fuck out.

Me: What was the award for, and did you win?

Texas:Sadly, no. That only would've made the situation that much more interesting. I should lie and say I did. It was "Best solo."

Dave: Solo? You mean like on a saxophone?

Texas: Yes, I was first chair. You haven't heard of the new Jazz/porno fusion? It's so hot right now.

Dave: Yeah I tried out for the Hustler Philharmonic

Texas: I almost made the Tranny Siberian Orchestra, but I was missing my instrument.

Dave: Now I'm totally gonna go all Terry Gross and ask probing questions. Was any kind of turning point where you realized this whole porn thing just wasn't going to work out?

Texas: It was during a shoot. My male "costar" (to use the term loosely) was being really touchy-feely. My boyfriend was there, and I felt incredibly disgusted that this guy was trying to kiss me... that's when it dawned on me. "I'm about to have this guy 9 inches deep, and his tongue in my MOUTH seems too personal?"

This is going to sound a bit discriminate: later I found out he shot a lot of movies with trannies. I vomited, and retired.

Dave: So where's the line between "I'm doing porn" and "touchy-feely"?

Texas: That was a strange thing for me to say without clarifying... Touchy-feely: hugging on me. kissing my neck. being too "boyfriend-y." I'm doing porn: One position. Hard-core - 5 minutes / soft - core - 5 minutes. Next position. It's not romantic, and it doesn't really feel like sex most times.

Dave: I'd imagine the boyfriend being there could be kind of awkward.

Texas: Possibly. I don't really care much. I was doing it for him, and it was part of my contract with everyone that if I wanted to bring him, I could. Sorry bro, can't get your dick hard in front of my boyfriend? Not my vagina's problem.

Dave: Was the name "Texas Presley" your choice, or was it thrust upon you?

Texas: I picked it. I originally signed up as "Veronica Vaughan"... but I had picked the name Veronica for my firstborn daughter, and didn't feel that was too terribly appropriate. I changed it to Texas since I'm from the Lone Star, and Presley because I sometimes see a resemblance. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but that's beside the point. I picked it, and it stuck.

Dave: Was there any temptation to come up with something a little more awesome, like Helga Von Anus?

Texas: Strangely, no. Hmm… Veronica De PlowMouth… Looselips Mcgillacunty. Oh, and to clarify, I don't have a firstborn daughter.

Dave: But if you did, you'd name her Helga Von Anus?

Texas: Well, now I would! You should add that to babynames.com

The Pornographer's Mansion

Dave: When they film porn, do they usually do it in the pornographer's mansion, or do rich people actually rent out their houses to be used as porn locations?

Texas: Both. More often than not it's some rich person's house. How do you explain those stains? Geeerrrrrrrroooosss.

Dave: Does the rich person get to hang around and watch?

Texas: Not usually. However, I was once getting fucked on a pool table by Scott Nails for Digital Playground at this amazing house in the hills, and I'm looking out the window over the beautiful vast greenery... and I notice movement out of the corner of my eye. In the breakfast nook of the window I was looking out of sat an elderly couple, eating breakfast. Eggs, english muffins, reading the paper, coffee, OJ... a fruit salad... so I'm having my salad tossed watching people older than my own grandparents eating salad. Irony can be fantastic.

Dave: Did they seem to notice you?

Texas: They were just so quiet, I hadn't noticed them over the huge penis I was staring in the face. They seemed indifferent. "Seems like this one's never had one that big before! Can you pass the jam?"

Dave: Didn't that make you just a little bit bashful?

Texas: I think for a minute I was aware of my surroundings, and a little rosy-cheeked, but as previously mentioned there was a HUGE penis staring me in the face. I don't know if you're familiar with Scott Nails or not, but it's easy to forget there's other people in the room when something like that is waving about. (Scott, if you're reading this... CALL ME. Ha ha, I kid, I kid... no, but really, CALL ME.)

I wonder what the number would be if ever porn star added up individually how many times they fucked on a pool table making a movie. I bet it's friggin' impressive.

Dave: So, since this is Something Awful and everything, are you ready to talk some shit?

Texas: YES! I'm scared and excited. The hair on my neck is standing up.

Dave: Let's hit the ground running: which adult actor or actress smells the worst?

Texas: Tiffany Taylor. No question. No hesitation.

Dave: Please describe her smell for the good people at home.

Texas:Worst smelling vagina OF ALL TIME. Low tide exploded inside her cervix.

Dave: Would you go so far as to say that her vagina could be used to strip the paint off a battleship?

Texas:Yes, I could say that. I think her vagina was actually filled with the "dip" from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Whew, even remembering that makes me cringe. I hear she won Jenna Jameson's "pornstar challenge show"...like, how funny is that show, for real? It's like a beauty pageant for beauty queens whose uncles gave them one too many hugs...

Dave: So did you say anything about her vagina, or did you just let it go?

Texas: I was really in a pickle in that circumstance. I can be really shy at times, especially if someone is completely rank like that. I mean... she's already acting like a fucking cunt and ruining the scene... so now I'm going to tell her that her vagina smells like a dead skunk inside a trash can? I kept trying to hint to the director, but didn't have the balls to just up and say it. Really, there was no way to win that situation. In hindsight I should've just vomited and fainted. Maybe that would've made it more apparent.

Dave: Who wins the award for bitchiest? Besides you.

Texas: Again, I'd have to say Tiffany Taylor. She was incredibly moody, and difficult. Argued a lot with the director, just came off really snotty and spoiled. Granted, this could be due to the fact that her pussy smelled of vinegar and fish guts. That probably put me in a pretty shitty mood, too. Second, id say was a director... shit, what was her name... for Metro. Brandi, or something. She was literally famous for shoving baseball bats up her asshole. And she's giving ME attitude?

Dave: That tends to diminish a person's credibility a little. So, are all male porn stars basically just unfrozen cavemen?

Texas: God, I wish I could talk shit here, but in actuality, some of the coolest guys I know are male porn stars. Something to be said for a guy who gets to fuck hot-ass women all day long, and make $1,500 a day doing it. They're the most laid back, no-bullshit kind of guys. Maybe I was just lucky.

It takes a certain amount of patience. Hot women are fucking insane. And you're combining hot women with hot women who clearly have issues. These guys see some shit.

Dave: So would you say that female porn stars are actually smellier and more maladjusted than male porn stars?

Texas: Absolutely. I'd wear a t-shirt. "I'd rather be a male porn star"

Dave: Being close to the industry, did you ever hear any awesome gossip that you were sworn to secrecy about, but which you'll repeat here because it's funny?

Texas: Yes... this is a horrible story, actually.

Dave: Horrible stories are the best.

Texas:I wont use her name, because I actually do like her,.but I always think of it whenever I see her in movies now. Even though she's smokin' hot and a great performer... I can't ever stand to watch...

So, she's younger... like 20, which in the industry is like MILF age now. Anyway, she meets this guy on MySpace, and he's like this little small town podunk backwoods marine or something, and he's even younger than her. Completely naïve. He's never even SEEN a porno, and this girl is like hugely famous in the industry. She has the dirtiest mouth I've ever heard, fucks the biggest dicks, does anal, double penetration, the whole 9, and she's dating this 18 year old kid.

So they fly back and forth to see each other. And she's crying to me, telling me that she feels so bad, she doesn't want to tell him everything she's done (which I understand) and then she launches into this tirade on all the STD's she's gotten over the years (most of them before porn; they test you in the industry). And im thinking "oh, she got the clap once or twice or whatever, and it can't be that bad, yadda yadda yadda."

Oh boy was I wrong. She's like "I've had gonorrhea four times, I've had warts burned off three times, Chlamydia like who knows how many times, and the list goes on. I'm sitting there trying my fucking hardest not to burst out laughing, because I think it's just fucking amazing what she's saying to me... but of course, absolutely horrified. I mean, you can clear up most of that stuff, but WHAT THE FUCK!?

Dave: So she had dozens of STDs before she was even in porn? Porn cleaned up her vagina?

Texas:Yes! And that's the funny part! It fucking put a leash on her glaringly obvious sexual addiction.

Dave: Since quitting, have you had any creepy fan experiences?

Texas: Not creepy. People will come up and say "Texas!" or "do I know you from movies?"..."did you do movies once"..."your pussy's as pink as a pair of ballet shoes." Wait... that is kind of creepy.

Dave: I get that all the time, too.

Texas: It's funny how many times I actually had that happen before I even did movies.

Dave: Is the thought that some obese nerd is likely seeing you naked right now as we speak creepy to you, or gratifying? Or both?

Texas: I absolutely love it. The one thing that never creeps me out is knowing someone is getting off thinking I'm fantastic. And by fantastic, I mean fuckable.

Dave: Even if that person is like 400 pounds and has to prop up the massive flap of flesh over his pubis with popsicle sticks and use a special claw-on-a-pole apparatus to stimulate himself because he can't reach around his own circumference? While watching you?

Texas: I think that if he puts that much goddamn effort into just jerking off, he deserves to get one off every now and again, and if I do it for him ...then sheeeyit, he must have good mofuggen taste.

Dave: OK, how about this one: a guy has just murdered his family in cold blood and decides to see porn one more time before the cops arrive and haul him off to the slammer. So he pops in one of your tapes and does his business, and the SWAT team busts in his door right as he's about to finish, and he wheels around toward the door in surprise and his arcing load lands squarely on the gaping shotgun hole in his dead wife. Still OK?

Texas:That. Would. Be. FUCKING. AWESOME! I'd write him letters in prison. And send him dirty pics, hoping he'd go on some spree in the prison... I'd be forever famous as the porn star that causes murder. Kind of like that news lady whose voice was giving people epileptic seizures. But considering I don't even remember her name now, I guess the novelty would wear off after a while and I'd just have some creepy serial killer waxing his monkey thinking about me. Hmm… no, still cool.

Dave: Out of the following options, try to "draw the line" where enjoyment of your work gets creepy:

A) A fan at home enjoying your work as God intended.

B) A fan enjoying you from the bushes outside your house.

C) A fan waiting for you to leave your house, then sneaking in and jerking off in your shampoo.

D) A fan casually walking up to you on the street and ejaculating in your hair.

Texas: You know, from just these questions I'm gathering that you may, by chance, think a lot about ejaculating into my hair, or possibly someone else's hair... or even your own. Anyway, I'd find them all to be exceedingly funny. I've got a good sense of humor. I'd react as anyone would to someone ejaculating in my hair without invitation: hysterical laughter, which turns to explosive rage and possible murder.

Dave: Do you ever get nostalgic for the porn years?

Texas: Occasionally. I miss fucking some of those people. I mean, when it was good... IT WAS GOOD. I think I remember a lot of the people like I'd remember any good booty call in which I made a ton of money.

Dave: So the nostalgia is more of a sex thing than a money thing.

Texas: Yeah, however... now that I'm thinking about it... I do miss the money. Shit... maybe I shouldn't be shit talking, I might need to get back into it. I have my eye on a fancy purse. HA!

Dave: And what do you miss least about porn?

Texas: Tiffany Taylor's Vagina. And the potential that the next vagina would rival hers.

Dave: So, when Something Awful inevitably starts its porn wing, would you be willing to work pro-bono with Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen, as a personal favor to me?

Texas: I'd fuck him for you, Dave. I'd do bad things with his nose.

Dave: His vagina can't smell any worse than Tiffany Taylor's, right?

Texas: Amen, brother.

That concludes our interview, but that's not all! Texas, a Something Awful fan herself, said that she'd gladly answer questions from readers. If you have a question for Ms. Presley, send it to davidthorpe@somethingawful.com and I'll pass it along to her and perhaps publish it in the near future.